Discovering Darkness In Pain

I recently had a lot of pain and discomfort hit me like a bus. I was diagnosed with Lyme a few months ago, and it has been hard to navigate.

However it is also leading to uncovering some things that have been a unknown problem for awhile. It's hard to explain but in my search for relief from Lyme related pain I ended up having my eyes opened towards some other root causes of the suffering I am experiencing.

In slowly building myself back up from crashing recently I had some huge moments of realization and just tons of synchronicity helping me to figure out what is wrong with me beyond the Lyme diagnosis.

I was guided to some things to help begin healing. Some is through supplements but I'm still trying to be led to the exact ones, none have felt 100% yet.

Some is diet and that is going to be the most difficult, I grew up eating shit and its all I know I literally am so limited now on what I can stomach. The idea of it all is overwhelming and I know will help but it is hard to do..

I also had some info in connection to neuroscience come and I am going to look deeper into the techniques spoken about.

Of course beliefs are always something to dive into.

Then there is TRAUMA just actually addressing that I have been living in trauma after trauma since born is something I needed to do.

I was so opposed to seeing it or just desensitized. Not all of it is extremely horrific or uncommon, but it still is traumatic for a child and later an adult to live through.

I found it really hard to label my abuse as abuse. Even as I read what abuse is in my head I was like no its just trauma.

But how the hell does the trauma get there without abuse lol. Not in all instances but when it comes to my Mom I was abused, and it is extremely difficult for me to say that.

I've spent my life being her scapegoat, her caretaker, her support system, her friend, and it rips me up to even acknowledge or accept that it was indeed abuse, and that things she did were her choice to do.

I also know she did love me and tried to do what she could with what she had, she was the victim of abuse and trauma that I almost just said was greater than mine, but it isn't greater or less its abuse and pain.

How she chose to navigate her abuse is what led to mine, and how I Choose to navigate mine has actually brought me more trauma and pain.

I know that I have likely caused my sisters to endure more trauma, specifically due to my own trauma, or through my behavior that was a result of trauma I was going through or been through. This is one way generational trauma occurs. Just living with someone in your family can leave you vulnerable to endure trauma.

Living with someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, or someone with mental health problems is traumatic for kids and adults to deal with.

There was one time I physically destroyed the house on Christmas eve. I had gone out and got drunk and then I went to come home my step dad had intentionally locked me out. So I broke in to my house and kicked in all the cabinets and threw things around and smashed my Mom's new laptop.

I have no memory of this, but my sister was the first to come in that night and found me on my floor hiding and she basically laughs about the whole thing, but that type of stuff should not happen.

I believe the reason I reacted so intensely is it likely triggered my abandonment issues. I never felt like I belonged to a family because my mom married and had kids when I was 10. My dad did the same thing and I was always the odd one. My step parents obviously didn't feel a bond to me like they did with their actual kids. I definitely didn't feel a bond with them. The awkward times I had to go to step family events were always uncomfortable, and I remember just spending most time alone. In my room alone with TV, or music, or writing. While the family I lived with were doing their family stuff.

So on Christmas eve of all days to lock me out of my supposed home, which I think was just a big screw you. Obviously I was not going to be ok with that, and I didn't even get yelled at or blamed. My Mom actually got mad at my step dad for locking me out. I'm not saying what I did was right or a good way to handle the situation, but at least my Mom saw why it happened.

I again have even more clarity surrounding why I stated at a very young age that I would not have kids. I knew that my world is not child friendly.

My Dad also caused a lot of trauma and there was abuse but the direct and indirect abuse varies. I need to acknowledge and accept that yes this has happened so I can heal from it.

It's mostly abandonment issues from him leaving when I was 4 that need attention, and there was neglect but a lot of the neglect I learned about later on from my Mom's recollection of things. The times he was drunk and supposed to be watching me. Or time the entire town and cops were searching for me thinking I drowned in the pond we lived on. I don't remember the events but I know all the details and I've never really acknowledged that neglect is clearly a component of how it happened.

The abandonment was also paired with guilt and blamed on myself because he didn't just leave he asked me over and over who I wanted to live with. I chose both parents each time, and it got more intense, and he got frustrated, and finally out of fear and upset I said Mom. From then on he was gone and I thought it was my fault.

Of all the things I black out or forget this experience is forever burned in my mind. I still can feel the pain in my heart and chest. The tight fear and heightened anxiety. Not knowing how to fix it, and just being overwhelmed.

When he went to jail for the first time I was suffering then too. Fear and upset, not knowing what that would mean or be like. I sat on my floor crying and writing in my journal. I think I still have the journal somewhere maybe.

Another one I have struggled with is sexual abuse by more than a few. I'm finding a theme that instead of acknowledging or telling anyone I suppress it.

There was my mom's boyfriends daughter who was first one to ever do something to me that was back before kindergarten. Every time she slept over she was in my bed. We were around the same age but she was aware of much more than me.

I was date raped by someone around age 14 or 15 as well. I went with my friend to see a guy she was into and somehow ended up alone with 2 older guys at one of their houses. She basically ditched me and went off with bf, and I remember looking down at my beer and asking if someone flicked ash into it because I saw stuff on the can. I have flashes of the rest.

My friend finally surfaced the next morning to go home but it was uncomfortable and surreal that morning at his house.. I remember waking up and he was eating in living room and was just disgusting to me.. his friend drove me and her back to her house, and my friend actually ended up dating that guy a few weeks later.

It was all so blurry and messed up that I couldn't trust myself to say in confidence what happened. I was also in trouble by the time my Mom found me the next day at my friend's house I just didn't say anything. It was also in a town that I was always told not to go to so I just decided best not to mention any of it.

There are entire days, experiences that I was present for and have no memory of. My sister recently Informed me of the day my Mom went into hospital not breathing. Apparently I was in the ambulance with her and was there when she passed out. I have no memory whatsoever. In fact that whole time period is a blur. Lots of time periods are a blur. Entire relationships that I can't figure out when we dated or even how long. I've at least been able to identify my physical abuse from an ex and the narcissistic abuse from a different ex, but endured those relationships longer than any others. The first one was off and on for about 5 years. The other was almost 10 years of time he was in my life manipulating on different levels.

I know why I ended up with them. We go to where it feels familiar, we don't choose the safest or healthiest relationships, we Choose what is familiar.

Now I just isolate and avoid all people. I may have large numbers of people who follow or support my presence, but I have no close friends or relationships. The closest person to me is my sister, and that's mostly supported by working together. She and I talk regardless of her working for me, but most conversations are work related. Then my Dad, but he literally lives in my house, and there will be days we don't see each other or talk. Not out of anger or anything, it's just kind of what happens. That is it, beyond them I don't communicate with people on a regular basis. I get overwhelmed trying to read comments, and messages from followers. Most people just have questions about their situations, and the sheer number is just overwhelming for someone who is comfortable in complete isolation.

I've experienced so much pain and have been used or lied to over and over again.. Romantic or friendship it always ends up hurting me. So I have found solo to be the most conducive to keeping me from being taken advantage of, or straight up used and hurt again.

Most people unknowingly or knowingly use me as their personal psychic. Many will ask what I think or get about a situation they are dealing with. Others simply play 20 questions every time I communicate. I've rarely had a connection with someone who it is equally shared support for each other.

In the few situations that was there it got taken out in the great purge. My entire "community" went along with someone's manipulating and chose to just step back while I was tossed out without a single word, or explanation.

This came weeks after me asking on more than one occasion if there was a issue. This person claimed nope not at all, proceeded to collect as much info as necessary to help themselves from me, and slowly took me off as the admin on different things I had been running to promote and build up their business, and then took me off the big event coming up and never said a thing for the final move.

I was just settling into my new home when the boot came. This house has a basement room which hosted enough space to do my events here and the yard was perfect for larger size events. Before I came here my temporary home had one room I was using for private sessions and I did a few groups at that place but it wasn't exactly the right place for everything.

However I noticed the more I did on my own or for my own business, the more that person took me off of the things I was doing for them. Or they would suddenly be doing the things I normally did themselves and make tons of mistakes, place wrong description or time on my events. Just basically made it more complicated and feel like I was not wanted anymore.

I believe that they no longer saw me as benefit to the business, and more so competition. I was having people drive hours to events because saw my YouTube videos, or were told about them. I was finally picking up with momentum and it was a crazy time. My best friend was always upset because I was not available like before. I at one point had 2 girls who were always here and would compete with each other, and another who was borderline in love with me or idk exactly what was up with her, but she was often angry or upset about something, and all of them were pulling me in a million directions. This is right after my Mom died too so I was grieving and upset, skin and bones with nothing left to give.

Then they all left at once each and everyone, most in the purge under influence of the person who they all need to appease in order to run an event with. I flat out had someone tell me they can't interact with my posts because didn't want to get in trouble. This from a grown women who knew what went down was not right but still went along with the crowd.. The others one was mad I said her boyfriend was not good for her, she came back months later and said I was right and apologized. She tried to reconnect on a deeper level but my guards were up, and she then passed away from I believe an overdose. She had suffered with addiction and had said never felt like belongs here, my work with star seeds had actually helped her finally feel a part of something, but like many star seeds the depression took her down again.

Then there's the one who basically broke up with me because it was clear I didn't feel the same for her, and the last one decided I was just racist because I never slept with a black man before. She asked me randomly one night when we had a few drinks and I said no. She slowly got more withdrawn from that moment and disappeared. It was someone else who actually confirmed to me that was indeed the interaction that she decided I was no good anymore.

At first I was upset and felt abandoned again, but in time saw how much more work I got done without their calls and questions. No sleep overs or drama. No lunch or dinner plans. No guilt or demands on me from people. Just freedom and growing my platform reaching new people all over the world who didn't require my individual attention.

It became a beautiful and peaceful thing. Actually one of the best things to happen to me. I am grateful that they left and or abandoned me. However I do think I need to not isolate myself completely. Like one good friend, or someone to talk to occasionally would probably be healthy.

In more recent years many people have passed away and thats a whole new level of upset and trauma to unpack.

My mom's last words were I Don't want to die, and the nurses then repeatedly asking my permission to give her the medicine that was killing her mixed together is not something I wish on anyone.

My mom started that day by telling me she was ready to go, that it hurt too much, and the doc and nurses said they couldn't help her anymore, whatever was in her stomach at this point was going to kill her either way. So I know that it was all supposed to happen, but her saying I don't want to die was extremely difficult.

My youngest sister passed away right before her Birthday party. She was disabled so her mentality was like a 8 or 9 year old. She was only 22 and it wasn't at all expected. But it happened. Sometimes it doesn't feel real.

There is so much that I can barely scratch the surface of in one post but basically..

I need to stop living in complete isolation where it is "safe" now and open up to a new reality of acceptance and understanding and finding healthy partners to make that familiar.

Healing and releasing all the shit that has manifested as a result of trauma and abuse.

The people pleasing, the over achieving, the do it all myself mindset, the codependency, the constant apologies, the lack of self care, the anxiety and depression, the lack of confidence, the perfectionism, inability to make decisions, the memory loss and blackouts of large periods of time, the fears, the imposter syndrome, the constant distractions, the physical pain, the emotional pain, the fear of speaking my truth, the fear of hurting others feelings, I need to practice what preach, and forgive myself too.

There is so much more and I finally think I know how my book should start. I have a bunch of parts that I wrote but all mixed up, I need to reorganize myself and maybe just start over completely.

That's one thing I also realized is I always knew that I was going to write a book.

I remember different times when I would just kind of acknowledge it, or wonder how I would get it published, prior to the whole world being able to do that now.

I also never really thought about what exactly I would put in it, but I just knew it was to happen, and then wasn't the time.

I think my Mom was a big part of the not time yet, there's no way I would be able to share the truth and everything knowing she will read it.

I worry about my Dad but I think he is aware of what happened enough to acknowledge and not be mad or upset with my sharing truth.

I lied for my Mom all my life. She also conveniently forgot things a lot or when attempting to discuss certain things would get mad and shut it down.

So I now have the awareness and conditions to do it, and think it might actually help to heal me too.

I hope through sharing my experiences and trauma responses, as well as my processing of them it will help others to do the same. I also hope to understand and find the best way to manage and recover from all of this. I had thought that I was pretty good with things, I've been through many modalities and healing sessions. I've become a teacher and healer for others, but all the while still holding onto so much. I've definitely mastered some things but haven't even scraped the surface of others.

I always say we are never done healing, but I guess now just proves to me just how true that is. I'm actually kind of still in shock that I was living like oh no big deal in regards to things that are likely causing so much pain and discomfort.

It will be difficult to share more about the experiences I have basically locked up or suppressed, but feel like it is important.

Thank you for reading this if you have and hopefully it helps in any way possible.